Two letters to Robin
The first letter on 2024.12.1
Dear Robin,
I really appreciate your care and help, as I am going through a struggling period. I deeply admire and trust you so I would like to share with you more. On Tuesday I was a bit sad because during Martin's celebration he said, "at the beginning of my PhD I was so happy working here and I was sad to go home". I found this quite the opposite for me, so I went into self-doubt. In alumni lounge you also mentioned to me that doing a PhD requires some passion that one wants to solve a problem. I questioned myself again.
The reason I suspect depression is that it has been harder for me to control my emotions. I never express it at work, but when I am alone, I cry too often and cannot stop. Also, I am more and more afraid of people (I actually was staying in my office when Martin's celebration began, but Alex persuaded me to join; similar happened for the alumni beer). Sometimes I feel uneasy, and sometimes I feel I cannot catch up with what people are saying, like my brain was not processing.
A major topic I faced was to identify what are my own problems and what are from the environment. I got a bit excluded from the older Penning team and was lack of supervision until the new postdoc came. In the past year I also didn't learn as much as before, so I felt more anxious and incapable. (I am not blaming anyone, they are good people, I'm just trying to analyze the factors.) This is also my first time being in a group with so many white guys and I don't have much common language to them. But as I followed Chi's advice – don't force yourself to integrate – I do feel more comfortable now, although still distanced from them.
Personally, I often feel worthless. I have done various small things for the lab but nothing major. Besides CAD and teaching I don't think I gained many other skills. It is also the first time I earn a salary, so when I feel that I didn't do enough to deserve this salary, I feel guilty. This also led to my decision of Blutspende in May ;D Also, I have very bad memory so when people ask me anything about the lab I usually say "I don't know" or "I can't remember". Saying this makes me question my ability as well.
I think I should avoid never asking for help and avoid asking for too much help. Since I have already talked to you, Tanja, Moritz, Chi and David, I think I have gathered enough support. Every time after talking to you guys, I immediately felt better. But the sadness often returns. I don't want to repeatedly bother people… Everyone in TIQI is nice and kind, which makes my struggles even harder to accept. I think I need to solve the problem by myself. There is a battling voice in my mind between finding a job in another country and giving myself more time to adapt to this PhD life. A few months ago, I was even uneasy sitting in the office. Sometimes I would walk through the hallway, pass my office, and leave the building directly. Now with adaptation, I can sit in my office for longer time.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Writing it helped me organize my thoughts. Please don’t feel obligated to respond; just knowing you’re there has been a great comfort. Again, I really appreciate you supporting me, I feel very lucky. I hope to give myself enough time to slowly recover, hopefully getting a psychologist, and maybe a dog :) I also hope you enjoy your vacation in Japan!
Best,
Yingying
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The second letter on 2025.5.25
Dear Robin,
I hope you are doing well! Just wanted to update with you my recent situations.
About 2.5 months ago, I had the last big mood swing, but afterwards it never happens again! At first, I was afraid of the depressive symptoms coming back. But as time goes, I am more confident that I am finally back to a normal state.
About what made this magical change happened, I do not know. But two things have certainly helped at that time: we trapped the first ion with the set up I designed, and I finally found an ideal apartment. The first thing helped me with the confidence in the career, and the second thing improved my living quality. Previously I was living in a room less than 10 m^2 but paying an incredibly high rent. I struggled to find a new apartment because I wanted a pet-friendly apartment so I could have a furry friend. After a year of searching, I found my current place and will adopt a shelter dog from China next month!
I also keep visiting a psychiatrist once or twice a month since February, and that has helped too. The psychiatrist told me that I tend to focus more on things I didn’t accomplish than on things I did well. Another thing I found out is that I only have negative reactions about one specific topic (that topic is related to work, but not the entire physics or tiqi). Even now, whenever I think about it or someone bring it up, I cannot control my mood. But since this discovery, I can just avoid thinking or talking about it. And it has been working perfectly for me.
Now looking back the past, I am very grateful that I am over that dark period. And very grateful for you and others who have helped me. I just simply feel alive again. I don’t know if someday I will fall back off that cliff, but I know that I will be able to overcome it again. Hope you see you again and hear about your life too.
Best,
Yingying